The Moses frequency

heston Juicy Planet has been receiving slippery but persistent messages from UHF channel 52 on our black & white Panasonic TV, of various clips of Charlton Heston near naked on the beach from the film, The Planet of the Apes. But as it turns out, this scene cannot be found in the actual Hollywood movie! It seemed at first to be Heston in between takes while filming the movie in 1968, but it has now been confirmed that what we are watching is an actual live feed of Heston, enjoying the pretty beach with his empty machine gun.

The original story of human hubris was written by French author Pierre Boulle, in 1963. The Statue of Liberty, which can be seen toppled and eroding in the background in some future, was a gift to the United States from the people of France. In the hope of minimizing the kind of dang regret depicted, Juicy Planet is actively trying to decipher the meaning of these recurring beachfront broadcasts, before the U.S. government strips the juicy public atmosphere of free analog television transmissions and sells the airwaves to corporate bidders on February 17, 2009.planetapes5

Ever the liberator on Earth, whether as Moses, Ben Hur, or Chairman of the National Rifle Association, Heston appears in the transmissions to be the one in need of saving, not from slavery and human greed but from loneliness. We shall watch and wait with our hands raised to see if perhaps the kiss of Zira or some other lovely sane and peaceful creature will make any difference for our protagonist.


Inverted Stepford Wife-ism taking toll on Golden Rule

Cindy telepathically noisy

  Juicy Planet has been put on ORANGE ALERT due to the curious socio-medical condition whose origin has been traced to the DNA of females born and raised into the American upper middle, lower upper, and middle flyweight classes. The disease, popularly known as the Inverted Stepford, seems to take hold in female subjects in early adulthood, when being privileged and rich sours a tad due to the double pressures of having to be successful at some high level of some kind of field while simultaneously expected to act as a subservient to all the males in her environment, at least in public, regardless of how much more intelligent, talented, or confident the female may be when compared to the male she is seen stiffly standing next to.

Cindy McCain rolls with changes

The original Stepford Wife virus was actually developed and perfected by garden variety sexist males who sought to maintain complete control over their wives, to the point of altering their wives ability to remember how lovely flip flops felt beneath their wet feet, let alone what personality they may have had before being infected.

Inverted Stepford differs from the original strain in that these females seem to enjoy living with the virus; looking, standing and speaking as if they believe the rhetoric of their unattractive right wing spouses, understanding the exquisite pleasure of deferred power, when the cameras are turned off and they can abuse the maid, the dog, the flight attendant, behind closed doors. Many of these subjects seem to share a penchant for prescription drugs, so it is advised to clean out your medicine cabinet before invited one over for tea. The risk of contagious infection is low, although these females do tend to cause an awful lot of damage at the political and cultural levels of society, likely as they are to sit on various and sundry corporate and hospital boards and to be married to politicians, ministers, and Republicans. See entries for: Cindy McCain, Victoria Osteen, et al.

Vicky Osteen smelling fre$h bread

Vicky Osteen semi-pro glarer






CLICK for evidence of Inverted-Stepford-Illness

Angelina Jolie and Sandra Bernhard holding the world up

In the dream, Sandra Bernhard was holding a red metallic mini-disc recorder. She wanted to record herself remembering her dreams. We knew we were already inside one of those dark mortality dreams, with that “I’m gonna be dead someday” feeling. Sandra and I were both scared, our faces and necks getting hot, like fever. Sandra held the recorder near her mouth, then decided that I should go first. I put my hand on top of hers and brought the recorder close to my own mouth. I wanted to kiss the back of her hand but was distracted by the glossy green stones in every ring on every finger of her hand, each stone reflecting the light that was coming from the end of a telescope she had stationed by the window.

“In the year 2525”, I said, leaning in against her arm, “500 citizens got quite good at switching eyeballs with each other. A Minus 425 nearsight for a Plus 1200 farsight, in diopters, got to be no big deal for them, it was the resulting emotional perception exchange that was the real gamble”.

“Yeah”, Sandra imagined, “my 20-20 for Angelina Jolie’s Minus 175, hardly a change in vision really, except for night driving, I could get by squinting when I had to…but Angelina’s emotional rub…I…no, too packed tight like a snowball in spring…”. Then Sandra clicked off the recorder and wrapped her hands around mine, “Tell me your numbers, darling”. Before I could say just how I thought I saw, footsteps sounded up from the stairwell that led down to the stage where someone had just finished a performance, we could hear the applause spilling over. Sandra and I turned together toward the doorway and waited. We were awestruck, when the footsteps stopped, to see Hillary Clinton there, grinning at us, looking smart in a long red gown that exposed much of her beautiful breasts. In her right hand she was loosely holding a pair of binoculars.

CLICK HERE for Sandra Bernhard info

Donna Newton for U.S. President 2008!

Lovely queer lady decides after much lounging and little doubt, to make a serious run for President of the United States of America 2008. Stay tuned for details!

Our Kelly is who we thought he wasn’t

According to Juicy Planet insiders, alleged pop star & willful womanizer, R. Kelly, was seen tucking a BLT sandwich with extra lettuce into the right side pocket of his suit jacket outside the Cook County Criminal Court in Chicago this past week. Kelly was standing between buildings on California Avenue trying to get some lunch privacy away from the throngs of media and various and asundry fans, former fans, former lovers, future litigants, plus a smattering of Cook County government workers who had no idea what the fuss was all about as they snuck cigarettes on another “coffee run”.

Clearly unnerved by low blood sugar, Kelly threw his pickle spear down in frustration, showing more emotion than he had at any time inside the courtroom, where jurors with more productive but not more interesting things to do had been asked to decide whether the naked man urinating on the under-aged girl in the video they had to watch over and over again was the same clothed man sitting at the table in front of them acting as if he had never before seen the man in the video and indeed, since Kelly is known to be severely allergic to mirrors, it is understandable that he would not be able to ever recognize himself. But that can’t explain the fact that whoever the man is, who looks just like Kelly does, is the kind of dumb guy who not only thinks it’s alright to abuse and scam people decades younger and much poorer than he is, but thinks it’s especially genius to tape himself doing illegal stuff. We sure hope they catch that guy.

Bargains of a lifetime

Juicy Planet went looking for signs of the revolution in Lower Manhattan but instead found a meat grinder and some crisp blue plastic shoes we didn’t know we needed til we saw them. The items, in combination with a head full of Snickers and a bonfire of Zoloft and green tea leaves, are now manifesting compassion for lie-face politicos, fair weather friends and lazy lovers. Starting. Now.

thanx to photo contributor cdh

Hillary Clinton wrote me a letter

Juicy Planet is enthused to finally understand that money equals access to opportunity! After contributing $25 to the Hillary Clinton campaign, in a euphoric, generous state of mind after some dental work, Juicy Planet has been invited by former President Bill Clinton to maybe attend a special concert by Sir Elton John in New York City, where we will have the opportunity to meet and get drunk with rich gay folks and Democrats alike! For a mere $25, which Juicy Planet would have lost anyway betting on college basketball finals, we received a personal note from Hillary Clinton herself assuring us that, if we are able to contribute a few more bucks in time for the Pennsylvania Primaries, we might possibly end up breathlessly standing just behind and to the far right of Hillary as she sways along to Elton’s, “Levon, Levon likes his money…he makes a lot they say…”
We told her that once we decide between going without goji juice or Zoloft for a week, we will send another $25 in to the campaign. That’s only if Barack Obama doesn’t make a better offer, like the chance to eat spaghetti and meatballs with Oprah on the ferris wheel at Navy Pier while Obama croons out his much more progressive vision for the future, which may include the vast majority of American citizens who can’t buy their way into such privileged access to power. (see personal note below!)
Help Hillary Win

Dear wenjo,

 In the interest of harmony — and melody — I promise you there won’t be any duets. I’m really looking forward to the solo concert my friend Elton John is throwing in New York to help our campaign –and I would very much like the chance to meet you there.  

We’re sending two supporters, along with their guests, to New York with VIP tickets for this very special, one-night-only concert on April 9, and it could be you. We will have a chance to talk just you and I — and you will get to meet Elton John at the party we’re throwing afterwards. It’s going to be a great night. Thank you so much for all your support. I hope you know how much you mean to me and my campaign. 

Sincerely, Hillary hillary.jpg