Bargains of a lifetime

Juicy Planet went looking for signs of the revolution in Lower Manhattan but instead found a meat grinder and some crisp blue plastic shoes we didn’t know we needed til we saw them. The items, in combination with a head full of Snickers and a bonfire of Zoloft and green tea leaves, are now manifesting compassion for lie-face politicos, fair weather friends and lazy lovers. Starting. Now.

thanx to photo contributor cdh

Hillary Clinton wrote me a letter

Juicy Planet is enthused to finally understand that money equals access to opportunity! After contributing $25 to the Hillary Clinton campaign, in a euphoric, generous state of mind after some dental work, Juicy Planet has been invited by former President Bill Clinton to maybe attend a special concert by Sir Elton John in New York City, where we will have the opportunity to meet and get drunk with rich gay folks and Democrats alike! For a mere $25, which Juicy Planet would have lost anyway betting on college basketball finals, we received a personal note from Hillary Clinton herself assuring us that, if we are able to contribute a few more bucks in time for the Pennsylvania Primaries, we might possibly end up breathlessly standing just behind and to the far right of Hillary as she sways along to Elton’s, “Levon, Levon likes his money…he makes a lot they say…”
 
We told her that once we decide between going without goji juice or Zoloft for a week, we will send another $25 in to the campaign. That’s only if Barack Obama doesn’t make a better offer, like the chance to eat spaghetti and meatballs with Oprah on the ferris wheel at Navy Pier while Obama croons out his much more progressive vision for the future, which may include the vast majority of American citizens who can’t buy their way into such privileged access to power. (see personal note below!)
Help Hillary Win

Dear wenjo,

 In the interest of harmony — and melody — I promise you there won’t be any duets. I’m really looking forward to the solo concert my friend Elton John is throwing in New York to help our campaign –and I would very much like the chance to meet you there.  

We’re sending two supporters, along with their guests, to New York with VIP tickets for this very special, one-night-only concert on April 9, and it could be you. We will have a chance to talk just you and I — and you will get to meet Elton John at the party we’re throwing afterwards. It’s going to be a great night. Thank you so much for all your support. I hope you know how much you mean to me and my campaign. 

Sincerely, Hillary hillary.jpg

Don’t make me hear a Huckabee (sermon)

image034.jpg There is a difference between the practice of Christianity which mirrors the liberal philosophy and the compassionate, inclusive acts of Jesus Christ and the practice of what is called christianity by many of my fellow Americans, who use the term but who behave in hateful, judgmental, homophobic, and fearful ways. If Pastor Huckabee, like many folks who call themselves both christian and Republican, believes his religion gives him the right to deny civil and equal human rights to all citizens, then he is no true christian at all. Jesus’ beliefs and actions and sacrifices in the name of fairness and justice speak for themselves. If you cannot live your life like Jesus did, and without blaming liberal and fair-minded citizens for the troubles that are truly started by greed, exploitation, and fear, then you must come up with another name to call yourselves.