Obama, Clinton, and the American perversion of the testes

As the 2008 U.S. Democratic Presidential primaries continue to roll themselves out like artificial turf over the natural sod of the American psychic landscape, Juicy Planet is perplexed by recent and frequent references to the gonads of male human beings, as they may or not relate to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s perceived personas and how that persona influences their ability to win the nomination.

So Juicy Planet took an informal testicle straw poll of 917 Midwestern respondents of all genders and the results indicate that even though there is absolutely no rational or scientific basis for it, there is a perverse cultural belief that the ownership of testicles and further, the size of those testicles, has something or other to do with a person’s perceived mental strength, social courage, and/or political attractiveness.

Some voters in Indiana’s primary race last week were overheard stating, “I’d rather have a woman with balls than a man without balls…Obama is a nice man, but he is a wimp”. (Balls are another word commonly used in place of the word testicles). But what exactly is behind this testicle business? What do these gonads have to do with getting anything done that is any different than the tough workaday complexity and clarity of purpose put forth by the ovaries? The testicles, in fact, are one of the most vulnerable, sensitive, passive, chilling-out parts on the male body. So, how is it that Obama is being characterized as having less of these balls, and Clinton as having more of these balls?

Sexism takes many shapes, sometimes in the shape of a television frame, sometime in the shape of a ball. Hillary Clinton does not need a pair of testicles to be a tough, resilient, effective leader any more than Barack Obama needs to show the ones he has to prove he has the qualities, the brilliance and the fortitude to be the President of the United States, and to help bring us closer to the moral, educational, and economic redemption we’re so clearly pining for.

all immigrants on a juicy planet

Juicy Planet got quite thirsty watching the May 1st march for undocumented immigrants rights in Downtown Chicago and so decided to drop by Wrigley Field for an ice cold overpriced Budweiser draft on the way home. It just so happened there was also an afternoon Cubs game underway versus the Milwaukee Brewers. Starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano wowed the drinky drink hooky-playing crowd with an unexpected home run. We stuck around long enough to have a hankering for an $8 kosher dog and the suspicion that the Cubs lead was about to be lost again by relief pitcher Kerry Wood. We high-tailed it back out to Clark and Addison just in time to see a police officer helping an older woman cross the street. Inside Wrigley we could hear the voices of 40 thousand fans cheering for a win, while at the same moment, 140 thousand supporters were cheering and marching for immigrant justice near Dearborn and Jackson.

CLICK for what immigrant rights issues are

CLICK for MSNBS coverage of May 1 immigration protests

CLICK for Chicago Cubs news

Hillary Clinton wrote me a letter

Juicy Planet is enthused to finally understand that money equals access to opportunity! After contributing $25 to the Hillary Clinton campaign, in a euphoric, generous state of mind after some dental work, Juicy Planet has been invited by former President Bill Clinton to maybe attend a special concert by Sir Elton John in New York City, where we will have the opportunity to meet and get drunk with rich gay folks and Democrats alike! For a mere $25, which Juicy Planet would have lost anyway betting on college basketball finals, we received a personal note from Hillary Clinton herself assuring us that, if we are able to contribute a few more bucks in time for the Pennsylvania Primaries, we might possibly end up breathlessly standing just behind and to the far right of Hillary as she sways along to Elton’s, “Levon, Levon likes his money…he makes a lot they say…”
 
We told her that once we decide between going without goji juice or Zoloft for a week, we will send another $25 in to the campaign. That’s only if Barack Obama doesn’t make a better offer, like the chance to eat spaghetti and meatballs with Oprah on the ferris wheel at Navy Pier while Obama croons out his much more progressive vision for the future, which may include the vast majority of American citizens who can’t buy their way into such privileged access to power. (see personal note below!)
Help Hillary Win

Dear wenjo,

 In the interest of harmony — and melody — I promise you there won’t be any duets. I’m really looking forward to the solo concert my friend Elton John is throwing in New York to help our campaign –and I would very much like the chance to meet you there.  

We’re sending two supporters, along with their guests, to New York with VIP tickets for this very special, one-night-only concert on April 9, and it could be you. We will have a chance to talk just you and I — and you will get to meet Elton John at the party we’re throwing afterwards. It’s going to be a great night. Thank you so much for all your support. I hope you know how much you mean to me and my campaign. 

Sincerely, Hillary hillary.jpg

Juicy Planet Guest Blab of the Week: Clinton or Obama, Who’s Better in Bed?

by field correspondent Mr. Randall TeVelde

Choosing a presidential nominee is not like picking a brand of peanut butter, or a pilates class, or a place to eat. Or is it? It’s tempting to say that president-choosing is pretty much its own thing, like the way choosing a college is its own thing. But, really, there are only three critera that are important for the Democratic nomination, and one overshadows the other two combined.

Best Drinking Buddy
Winner: Hillary Clinton clinton_drink.jpg

The most entertaining drinkers have gossip to share that hasn’t leaked out yet. Buy Hillary some jello shots and she just might tell you what she said to Bill when she found out about Monica, or Jennifer, or, better yet, Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright. You know she’s got dirt on half of Washington, since anyone would trade their petty little secrets for hers. No one gets invited to her parties who hasn’t confessed something career-threatening.

Barack Obama looks like he’s barely had one good drunk under his belt. Sure, he says he experimented with drugs, but that didn’t hurt him, since most people think all African-Americans do drugs anyway. He wishes he were wild enough to do everything he claims, but he’d look a lot more like Quincy Jones if the claims were true.

Best Sexual Partner
Winner: Hillary Clinton clintonobamalaugh.jpg

The skin on her face looks pulled super tight, and no amount of layering can cover her Weeble shape. Yet Bill keeps coming back for more. He’s tried every brand on the shelf, but he still likes it homemade. There’s a reason she smiles every time someone trash talks her at the debates. Her handlers just tell her: “Don’t get mad; just think how much better you are in bed than they are.” Her handlers know.

Barack Obama would not be such a good speaker if he had a good sex life. He chooses his words carefully and delivers them so well, because the cheering crowds are more satisfying than going home to Michelle. But don’t blame her; he’s up late every night writing new speeches for his groupies.

Best Roommate
Winner: Barack Obama obama_icecream.jpg

You can count on Barack to return any bacon he snitched off your shelf in the refrigerator. In fact he’ll probably give you thick slices in exchange for the wimpy Oscar Meyers you bought. He’s just that kind of guy. And if you go too long without cleaning out your shelves on the fridge, he’ll clean the whole thing without saying anything.

On the other hand, you know that Hill is the roommate who’ll fill seven-eighths of the fridge with Weight Watcher’s so far out of date that mold oozes out of the packages. She eats out every night. But don’t dare throw out her science experiments, or steal from her doggy bags; she’ll insinuate that you should replace them. And if you don’t, she’ll be happy to file in small claims court.

When it comes down to essentials, you don’t want a president for a night at a bar, or for a one night stand. You gotta live with your choice for at least four years; early divorces are exceptional. No doubt he’s a rare drunk and a snooze in bed. But take the guy who keeps the fridge clean, and you’ll be happier about it later.

Republican governors better not cheat this time: Democrats bring out the shine

hillary_obama.jpg Juicy Planet predicts that Hillary Clinton will win the majority of Ohio and Texas delegates tonight, but that there will be some confusing counts for Texas due to Texas’ caucus/primary set up. Then there is the Super Delegates issue.

It will be a very close race, close enough to have many voters feeling suspicious about the inconsistent ballot-counting methods we seem unable to rectify each and every important election. Juicy Planet is concerned that the Republican governors and secretaries of state in Ohio and Texas be watched closely by impartial elections officials, as the recent disenfranchising of working class voters through tampering and other strangeness has been evident in those states; Ohio in 2004 and Florida in 2000 Presidential elections, and the Texas Republican re-district-ing of counties and such in recent years to favor them and garner more Republican Congressional seats.

In any case, we are sliding down the hallway in our socks, listening to the sound of American voters having some fun as we move ourselves creatively and calmly into a rich warm positive powerful now.

Clinton still in the race; Jack Nicholson thinks she’s best for the job

jack-clinton2.jpg

Jack Nicholson likes both Clinton and Obama, but prefers Senator Clinton.
CLICK to hear Jack talk about Democrats and upcoming election