Our Kelly is who we thought he wasn’t

According to Juicy Planet insiders, alleged pop star & willful womanizer, R. Kelly, was seen tucking a BLT sandwich with extra lettuce into the right side pocket of his suit jacket outside the Cook County Criminal Court in Chicago this past week. Kelly was standing between buildings on California Avenue trying to get some lunch privacy away from the throngs of media and various and asundry fans, former fans, former lovers, future litigants, plus a smattering of Cook County government workers who had no idea what the fuss was all about as they snuck cigarettes on another “coffee run”.

Clearly unnerved by low blood sugar, Kelly threw his pickle spear down in frustration, showing more emotion than he had at any time inside the courtroom, where jurors with more productive but not more interesting things to do had been asked to decide whether the naked man urinating on the under-aged girl in the video they had to watch over and over again was the same clothed man sitting at the table in front of them acting as if he had never before seen the man in the video and indeed, since Kelly is known to be severely allergic to mirrors, it is understandable that he would not be able to ever recognize himself. But that can’t explain the fact that whoever the man is, who looks just like Kelly does, is the kind of dumb guy who not only thinks it’s alright to abuse and scam people decades younger and much poorer than he is, but thinks it’s especially genius to tape himself doing illegal stuff. We sure hope they catch that guy.

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Obama, Clinton, and the American perversion of the testes

As the 2008 U.S. Democratic Presidential primaries continue to roll themselves out like artificial turf over the natural sod of the American psychic landscape, Juicy Planet is perplexed by recent and frequent references to the gonads of male human beings, as they may or not relate to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s perceived personas and how that persona influences their ability to win the nomination.

So Juicy Planet took an informal testicle straw poll of 917 Midwestern respondents of all genders and the results indicate that even though there is absolutely no rational or scientific basis for it, there is a perverse cultural belief that the ownership of testicles and further, the size of those testicles, has something or other to do with a person’s perceived mental strength, social courage, and/or political attractiveness.

Some voters in Indiana’s primary race last week were overheard stating, “I’d rather have a woman with balls than a man without balls…Obama is a nice man, but he is a wimp”. (Balls are another word commonly used in place of the word testicles). But what exactly is behind this testicle business? What do these gonads have to do with getting anything done that is any different than the tough workaday complexity and clarity of purpose put forth by the ovaries? The testicles, in fact, are one of the most vulnerable, sensitive, passive, chilling-out parts on the male body. So, how is it that Obama is being characterized as having less of these balls, and Clinton as having more of these balls?

Sexism takes many shapes, sometimes in the shape of a television frame, sometime in the shape of a ball. Hillary Clinton does not need a pair of testicles to be a tough, resilient, effective leader any more than Barack Obama needs to show the ones he has to prove he has the qualities, the brilliance and the fortitude to be the President of the United States, and to help bring us closer to the moral, educational, and economic redemption we’re so clearly pining for.

hillary clinton will be the next U.S. President

obama_clinton22.jpgclick for NY Times/Gloria Steinem article

From the Department of Drifting Predictions and Predilections, comes the report that Hillary Clinton has been pretending to become the underdog in the U.S. Democratic Presidential primaries in an effort to shift the misogynistic dynamic that dominates the media and mainstream American culture. Anticipating not winning the Iowa caucuses or the New Hampshire primary, Clinton will masterfully bide her time and let the hyperactive, not-helping-anyone-but-itself mainstream news cycle bore itself into the urge to dismiss and demean Obama and/or Edwards instead.

Drawing upon Washington D.C. insider information, Juicy Planet has learned that although Clinton is in fact a bright, effective, experienced and consistently hard-working politician who gets things done, there are many Republican and two-faced Dem hypocrites who profess a profound and perverse dislike for her. But where was this degree of disdain and distrust for G.W. Bush, the inept, callous, undeserving draft dodger, when he was a candidate? Juicy Planet has just learned that G.W. Bush is, strangely, safe from that kind of scrutiny, since he was identified as male sometime or other back in the 1980’s, before he bought the Texas Rangers via an old boys club taxpayer dollars swindle, but after he ran his oil business into the ground. That was GW’s history. And look at what he has ruined while CEO of our country. He is nothing if not consistent. But where was the mocking media tone for Bush during his run that we now see for Hillary?

Tragically, and without explanation, Clinton was born what the natives here call, a woman, so whatever policies, beliefs and ideas she offers will be treated as suspicious attempts to fit in and perhaps, even be a more effective leader than most of the men who have been given ample opportunity. After New Hampshire, we shall see a spike in Clinton poll numbers and supporters, not only because she would be a great leader in what is sadly now a very dark and counter-productive time in America, but because the press and the television ad revenues will need the ongoing superficialized cult of personality horse race to further flush their coffers.