Jesus falls the third time

Juicy Planet is pleased to announce that there are many more people who care about the well-being of others than there are the ones who claim spiritual-enlightenment but who in reality treat those who are hurting, or anyone different from themselves, with disregard or disdain. We will try to not let the sad machinations of the loudy stompy pouty minority interrupt the slow simmering beauty of our collective, free-thinking humanity.

In other news, American citizens intending to vote for Obama for U.S. President in November 2008, are already anticipating how fabulous it will feel to have a conscience in the White House again, and something to look forward to, other than the occasional decent bagel.

CLICK for ongoing Barack Obama news

Forgotten, except for this post: Rhode Island

Mentioned only 3 times on United States television in all of 2007, with all major broadcast and cable news networks combined, this inchworm of a state prefers to remain below the radar of political and social messiness.

Just 37 miles wide (Seattle to Tacoma) and 47 miles long (Downtown Manhattan to Asbury Park, NJ), Rhode Island causes little trouble and doesn’t ask for much. The first of the 13 colonies to claim it’s independence from British rule and the last state to ratify the Constitution, Rhody is proud to say that minding it’s own business is it’s finest export, but only off the record.

Known to an unnamed few as the Denmark of North America, Rhode Island (from the Dutch Red Island) has a gifted temperament akin to Canada’s. A postage stamp stuck on the wrong end of the envelope, this spiritual leader of all 50 states can only remain so by maintaining it’s anonymity. Little Rhody, your salty shoulders shall still be exalted…neatly and quietly.

CLICK HERE for RI history of slavery, abolition, and Brown University

CLICK HERE for RI U.S. Presidential Primary Results!

Juicy Planet guest post of the week: Obama, Clinton and the Little People

CLICK here for entire essay: EMPTY SUIT VISITS THE LITTLE PEOPLE, by Mark Nickels

EXCERPT:

Cintonistas and the GOP have relentlessly brainstormed for ways to frame Barack Obama to the media and the little people who are, per Hillary loyalist Paul Begala, the sole arbiters of his political fate. Bob Dole snarled about Obama that, like the pied-piper, “ calls them, and they come.” Hillary, willfully deaf to all irony, derided all the known political coin of the realm as effectively used by Obama, finding fault with “speeches”, “big rallies”, “caucus-goers”, “money”, anyone presumably not “hard-working”, and finally, in a sort of reverse apotheosis—her absolute career nadir, her personal worst— all but the “white.”

There are two other characters. On the one hand is Obama as the amiable and naïve Prince Mishkin on whom the politically needy pin their aspirations. This is a tactical representation from an earlier stage of the primary campaign, only a few months ago, just before their repressed memories of his eleven (or was it thirteen?) consecutive victories. Prince Mishkin (or, to update, Elwood P. Dowd?) appears to be played out. Nothing is likelier to dissolve the image of the stammering but smooth Elwood P. Dowd than having his wingtips on your neck, repeatedly.

Just lately, assorted dittoheads and Bush dead-enders have been delighted to resurrect empty suit. One upon a time, this was applied to their own George Walker Bush, mostly by opponents but even by manifest allies, namely like the generalissimo of the Swift Boaters, a Texas businessman who had a low opinion of the man he did so much to re-elect. Empty suit, as used by empty suits, is another example of the classic projection rhetoric of the right. Other notable examples, this time standard issue…

CLICK here for entire Barack Obama essay by Mark Nickels

Obama, Clinton, and the American perversion of the testes

As the 2008 U.S. Democratic Presidential primaries continue to roll themselves out like artificial turf over the natural sod of the American psychic landscape, Juicy Planet is perplexed by recent and frequent references to the gonads of male human beings, as they may or not relate to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s perceived personas and how that persona influences their ability to win the nomination.

So Juicy Planet took an informal testicle straw poll of 917 Midwestern respondents of all genders and the results indicate that even though there is absolutely no rational or scientific basis for it, there is a perverse cultural belief that the ownership of testicles and further, the size of those testicles, has something or other to do with a person’s perceived mental strength, social courage, and/or political attractiveness.

Some voters in Indiana’s primary race last week were overheard stating, “I’d rather have a woman with balls than a man without balls…Obama is a nice man, but he is a wimp”. (Balls are another word commonly used in place of the word testicles). But what exactly is behind this testicle business? What do these gonads have to do with getting anything done that is any different than the tough workaday complexity and clarity of purpose put forth by the ovaries? The testicles, in fact, are one of the most vulnerable, sensitive, passive, chilling-out parts on the male body. So, how is it that Obama is being characterized as having less of these balls, and Clinton as having more of these balls?

Sexism takes many shapes, sometimes in the shape of a television frame, sometime in the shape of a ball. Hillary Clinton does not need a pair of testicles to be a tough, resilient, effective leader any more than Barack Obama needs to show the ones he has to prove he has the qualities, the brilliance and the fortitude to be the President of the United States, and to help bring us closer to the moral, educational, and economic redemption we’re so clearly pining for.

Juicy Planet Guest Blab of the Week: Clinton or Obama, Who’s Better in Bed?

by field correspondent Mr. Randall TeVelde

Choosing a presidential nominee is not like picking a brand of peanut butter, or a pilates class, or a place to eat. Or is it? It’s tempting to say that president-choosing is pretty much its own thing, like the way choosing a college is its own thing. But, really, there are only three critera that are important for the Democratic nomination, and one overshadows the other two combined.

Best Drinking Buddy
Winner: Hillary Clinton clinton_drink.jpg

The most entertaining drinkers have gossip to share that hasn’t leaked out yet. Buy Hillary some jello shots and she just might tell you what she said to Bill when she found out about Monica, or Jennifer, or, better yet, Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright. You know she’s got dirt on half of Washington, since anyone would trade their petty little secrets for hers. No one gets invited to her parties who hasn’t confessed something career-threatening.

Barack Obama looks like he’s barely had one good drunk under his belt. Sure, he says he experimented with drugs, but that didn’t hurt him, since most people think all African-Americans do drugs anyway. He wishes he were wild enough to do everything he claims, but he’d look a lot more like Quincy Jones if the claims were true.

Best Sexual Partner
Winner: Hillary Clinton clintonobamalaugh.jpg

The skin on her face looks pulled super tight, and no amount of layering can cover her Weeble shape. Yet Bill keeps coming back for more. He’s tried every brand on the shelf, but he still likes it homemade. There’s a reason she smiles every time someone trash talks her at the debates. Her handlers just tell her: “Don’t get mad; just think how much better you are in bed than they are.” Her handlers know.

Barack Obama would not be such a good speaker if he had a good sex life. He chooses his words carefully and delivers them so well, because the cheering crowds are more satisfying than going home to Michelle. But don’t blame her; he’s up late every night writing new speeches for his groupies.

Best Roommate
Winner: Barack Obama obama_icecream.jpg

You can count on Barack to return any bacon he snitched off your shelf in the refrigerator. In fact he’ll probably give you thick slices in exchange for the wimpy Oscar Meyers you bought. He’s just that kind of guy. And if you go too long without cleaning out your shelves on the fridge, he’ll clean the whole thing without saying anything.

On the other hand, you know that Hill is the roommate who’ll fill seven-eighths of the fridge with Weight Watcher’s so far out of date that mold oozes out of the packages. She eats out every night. But don’t dare throw out her science experiments, or steal from her doggy bags; she’ll insinuate that you should replace them. And if you don’t, she’ll be happy to file in small claims court.

When it comes down to essentials, you don’t want a president for a night at a bar, or for a one night stand. You gotta live with your choice for at least four years; early divorces are exceptional. No doubt he’s a rare drunk and a snooze in bed. But take the guy who keeps the fridge clean, and you’ll be happier about it later.

chicken pot pie for every citizen!

photo0281.jpg

Juicy Planet predicts that when the Democratic U.S. President takes office on January 20, 2009, there will be a chicken in every pot, a pot pie in every hut, insurance cards in every wallet, and queer and underpaid citizens with equal rights and opportunities on every block.

Hillary Clinton’s favorite food: olive burger oliveburger.jpg

Barack Obama’s favorite food: homemade chili chili.jpg

CLICK here for Gay Rights Forum story 

Republican governors better not cheat this time: Democrats bring out the shine

hillary_obama.jpg Juicy Planet predicts that Hillary Clinton will win the majority of Ohio and Texas delegates tonight, but that there will be some confusing counts for Texas due to Texas’ caucus/primary set up. Then there is the Super Delegates issue.

It will be a very close race, close enough to have many voters feeling suspicious about the inconsistent ballot-counting methods we seem unable to rectify each and every important election. Juicy Planet is concerned that the Republican governors and secretaries of state in Ohio and Texas be watched closely by impartial elections officials, as the recent disenfranchising of working class voters through tampering and other strangeness has been evident in those states; Ohio in 2004 and Florida in 2000 Presidential elections, and the Texas Republican re-district-ing of counties and such in recent years to favor them and garner more Republican Congressional seats.

In any case, we are sliding down the hallway in our socks, listening to the sound of American voters having some fun as we move ourselves creatively and calmly into a rich warm positive powerful now.