by field correspondent Mr. Randall TeVelde
Choosing a presidential nominee is not like picking a brand of peanut butter, or a pilates class, or a place to eat. Or is it? It’s tempting to say that president-choosing is pretty much its own thing, like the way choosing a college is its own thing. But, really, there are only three critera that are important for the Democratic nomination, and one overshadows the other two combined.
Best Drinking Buddy
Winner: Hillary Clinton
The most entertaining drinkers have gossip to share that hasn’t leaked out yet. Buy Hillary some jello shots and she just might tell you what she said to Bill when she found out about Monica, or Jennifer, or, better yet, Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright. You know she’s got dirt on half of Washington, since anyone would trade their petty little secrets for hers. No one gets invited to her parties who hasn’t confessed something career-threatening.
Barack Obama looks like he’s barely had one good drunk under his belt. Sure, he says he experimented with drugs, but that didn’t hurt him, since most people think all African-Americans do drugs anyway. He wishes he were wild enough to do everything he claims, but he’d look a lot more like Quincy Jones if the claims were true.
Best Sexual Partner
Winner: Hillary Clinton
The skin on her face looks pulled super tight, and no amount of layering can cover her Weeble shape. Yet Bill keeps coming back for more. He’s tried every brand on the shelf, but he still likes it homemade. There’s a reason she smiles every time someone trash talks her at the debates. Her handlers just tell her: “Don’t get mad; just think how much better you are in bed than they are.” Her handlers know.
Barack Obama would not be such a good speaker if he had a good sex life. He chooses his words carefully and delivers them so well, because the cheering crowds are more satisfying than going home to Michelle. But don’t blame her; he’s up late every night writing new speeches for his groupies.
Winner: Barack Obama
You can count on Barack to return any bacon he snitched off your shelf in the refrigerator. In fact he’ll probably give you thick slices in exchange for the wimpy Oscar Meyers you bought. He’s just that kind of guy. And if you go too long without cleaning out your shelves on the fridge, he’ll clean the whole thing without saying anything.
On the other hand, you know that Hill is the roommate who’ll fill seven-eighths of the fridge with Weight Watcher’s so far out of date that mold oozes out of the packages. She eats out every night. But don’t dare throw out her science experiments, or steal from her doggy bags; she’ll insinuate that you should replace them. And if you don’t, she’ll be happy to file in small claims court.
When it comes down to essentials, you don’t want a president for a night at a bar, or for a one night stand. You gotta live with your choice for at least four years; early divorces are exceptional. No doubt he’s a rare drunk and a snooze in bed. But take the guy who keeps the fridge clean, and you’ll be happier about it later.
Filed under: our traditions, pals, politic | Tagged: America, barack obama, best sex, Democrats, drinking buddy, hillary clinton, Presidential primaries, roommates, weight watchers | 6 Comments »