ode to Patrick Chan

And on the sixth day of the Juicy Planet flu

it was the ever-so-kind and thoughtful spammer

who remembered us in our suffering

persistently encouraging us to feel better soon through various

get-rich-quick-while-helping-others opportunities (see incredible offer below!).

For this we are grateful and offer in return the following Poem:

—————————————

you

bold fake Patricks

with the will to reach out to so many

will never know your true worth

being never known or loved by any

—————————————

“Patrick W Chan” <patrickchan77@live.com>

To: undisclosed-recipients

Good Day,
I have a business of US $24.5million for you to handle with
me from my bank.Please contact me for details.   Patrick Chan.”

Inverted Stepford Wife-ism taking toll on Golden Rule

Cindy telepathically noisy

  Juicy Planet has been put on ORANGE ALERT due to the curious socio-medical condition whose origin has been traced to the DNA of females born and raised into the American upper middle, lower upper, and middle flyweight classes. The disease, popularly known as the Inverted Stepford, seems to take hold in female subjects in early adulthood, when being privileged and rich sours a tad due to the double pressures of having to be successful at some high level of some kind of field while simultaneously expected to act as a subservient to all the males in her environment, at least in public, regardless of how much more intelligent, talented, or confident the female may be when compared to the male she is seen stiffly standing next to.

Cindy McCain rolls with changes

The original Stepford Wife virus was actually developed and perfected by garden variety sexist males who sought to maintain complete control over their wives, to the point of altering their wives ability to remember how lovely flip flops felt beneath their wet feet, let alone what personality they may have had before being infected.

Inverted Stepford differs from the original strain in that these females seem to enjoy living with the virus; looking, standing and speaking as if they believe the rhetoric of their unattractive right wing spouses, understanding the exquisite pleasure of deferred power, when the cameras are turned off and they can abuse the maid, the dog, the flight attendant, behind closed doors. Many of these subjects seem to share a penchant for prescription drugs, so it is advised to clean out your medicine cabinet before invited one over for tea. The risk of contagious infection is low, although these females do tend to cause an awful lot of damage at the political and cultural levels of society, likely as they are to sit on various and sundry corporate and hospital boards and to be married to politicians, ministers, and Republicans. See entries for: Cindy McCain, Victoria Osteen, et al.

Vicky Osteen smelling fre$h bread

Vicky Osteen semi-pro glarer

 

 

 

 

 

CLICK for evidence of Inverted-Stepford-Illness

Nobody puts Baby in a corner, Helen Shiller

The City of Chicago has a big heart when it comes to summer outdoor movies in it’s bountiful parks. Most of the films are rated PG, whether they’re current, like Transformers, or classics, like All About Eve. However, on August 21st, 2008, when Juicy Planet showed up full of glee at Cricket Hill-Montrose Harbor, with a bottle of chilled white illegal and pasteurized cheese arranged like a tiny silver pie cut into triangles, to see the one and only Dirty Dancing, we were left staring up at the dusty cornflower sky, with no movie of no kind, for two hours.

We waited and waited, along with hundreds of other dejected Chicago admirers of Frances “Baby” Houseman and her spitfire sassypants dancer/lover, Johnny Castle. After several concerned Chicago-311 calls were made demanding info on the whereabouts of the missing mobile movie screen truck, lost in the city somewhere with the 3-story-tall projection of the unmistakable face of the young Jennifer Grey, Cricket Hill erupted into a riot of drinky moves and gritty voices, having the time of our lives, together in the dark, without owing anything at all to the city aldermen.

Jesus falls the third time

Juicy Planet is pleased to announce that there are many more people who care about the well-being of others than there are the ones who claim spiritual-enlightenment but who in reality treat those who are hurting, or anyone different from themselves, with disregard or disdain. We will try to not let the sad machinations of the loudy stompy pouty minority interrupt the slow simmering beauty of our collective, free-thinking humanity.

In other news, American citizens intending to vote for Obama for U.S. President in November 2008, are already anticipating how fabulous it will feel to have a conscience in the White House again, and something to look forward to, other than the occasional decent bagel.

CLICK for ongoing Barack Obama news

Craigslist Free item of the week: flip flops

Barely used. Size 10. Must pick up before 6pm.

Flaming Finger will not be put out, even with beer

CLICK here for exclusive Flaming Finger Soundtrack – 30 sec.

moth guy drawn to wicked flame

Sometime in the near past, Juicy Planet was swooped up by an un-forecast-able Midwest tornado, and was sleepily set down again in the middle of an electrocutionist’s drunken indoor carnival, except without the good food (see below). In the center quadrant, near tingling seductive games of chance that involved fake gold medallions and giant watches, which forced us to rediscover the power of generosity and friendliness, there was a tornado within the tornado around a peculiar game called Flaming Finger. It pulled on us like we were a tiny cardboard skiff inside the Bermuda Triangle. Hundreds of sleepwalkers gathered just to be near it, but the moth we’ll call “Charlie” refused to give anyone else a turn on it, madly in love was he with the after effects of the magical but deadly tracing game. Hours later, we woke up headed north on the #36 bus, completely rewired and calm, grateful for the Morse code message of Tesla’s fluorescent lighting overhead.

thirsty lady fears flame may demand sacrifice

CLICK for “Who was Nikola Tesla?”

Shoot to Disarm, Never to Harm: Masked Man rides on

Juicy Planet was trolling around the alleys of Edgewater on a balmy summer night when we saw what appeared to be a black mask, rolling like tumbleweed in front of us, the yellow glow from the arches of McDonald’s helping it to be true. Sadly, upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a chunk of fabric, with foam stuff underneath, from the armrest of a Subaru. The image of the black mask remained, and we couldn’t think of anything else but the Lone Ranger, his face, is horse, his cornflower blue outfit, and Tonto too. Turns out, we were standing in the middle of Saint Gertrudes parking lot at this point, where Clayton Moore, who grew up to be the Lone Ranger on television, used to hang out and go ice skating. The nuns used to flood the ground with water in the winter so Clayton and his pals could skate…those nuns would’ve gotten a TV show today!

6254 N. Glenwood 60660

We were told by a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, that Clayton Moore was born and raised at 6254 N. Glenwood. Clayton once met Hollywood’s original Tarzan, Johnny Weissmuller, at a Chicago swimming pool, while Johnny was training for the 1928 Olympics, where he was a gold medal swimmer. Clayton had been an athlete and flying trapeze artist, performing in the 1933 World’s Fair in Chicago, before heading to New York and Hollywood, starring in dozens of B movies before having the pleasure, in 1949, of becoming famous for hiding his identity behind a black mask, helping people out and taking off, with flair. Touched by the knowledge of his early bravery in pursuit of fame as well as his general loveliness, we ordered a hot fudge sundae with extra nuts and ate it on Clayton’s front steps.

CLICK for real life story of Tarzan CLICK for Lone Ranger Facts!

$1

Video on iPod found in Chicago: Bad time to visit a vampire

hunger_lastkiss1

►

The Hunger, directed by Tony Scott, 1983. Provocative. Erotic. David Bowie. Heartbreaking. In this scene, from a video clip found on an iPod lost on a Chicago subway, Susan Sarandon’s Sarah, lover of Catherine Deneuve’s Miriam, is a newly minted immortal vampire suffering from withdrawal as she refuses to kill for her survival. Sarah’s former boyfriend picks the wrong time to try and bring her home. After this moment, he is not seen again.

Exclusive! Craigslist Free item of the week: blow dryer

 Works fine. Attachment stuck.

Madonna not seen with Jennifer Aniston!

Juicy Planet has been informed that the morning after Yankees shortstop Alex Rodriguez was seen leaving Madonna’s New York apartment recently, Jennifer Aniston was not seen leaving Madonna’s apartment. Aniston was reportedly relaxing in a bathtub of cool rosewater and mint sprigs. Aniston was overheard having a lover’s quarrel with someone named Ross, which was followed by her toweling off her amazingly toned olive-oiled legs, followed by an electrifyingly sexy but unseen kiss with someone named Monica, not Madonna, which was followed by a commercial for frozen waffles.

Madonna's NY bathroom

In related news, Chicago Cubs shortstop Ryan Theriot was seen leaving Clark Street Dog near Wrigley Field scarfing down two regular dogs but with added ketchup! Shameful ways! Neither Jennifer Aniston nor Lou Piniella could be reached for comment.

Forgotten, except for this post: Rhode Island

Mentioned only 3 times on United States television in all of 2007, with all major broadcast and cable news networks combined, this inchworm of a state prefers to remain below the radar of political and social messiness.

Just 37 miles wide (Seattle to Tacoma) and 47 miles long (Downtown Manhattan to Asbury Park, NJ), Rhode Island causes little trouble and doesn’t ask for much. The first of the 13 colonies to claim it’s independence from British rule and the last state to ratify the Constitution, Rhody is proud to say that minding it’s own business is it’s finest export, but only off the record.

Known to an unnamed few as the Denmark of North America, Rhode Island (from the Dutch Red Island) has a gifted temperament akin to Canada’s. A postage stamp stuck on the wrong end of the envelope, this spiritual leader of all 50 states can only remain so by maintaining it’s anonymity. Little Rhody, your salty shoulders shall still be exalted…neatly and quietly.

CLICK HERE for RI history of slavery, abolition, and Brown University

CLICK HERE for RI U.S. Presidential Primary Results!

Angelina Jolie and Sandra Bernhard holding the world up

In the dream, Sandra Bernhard was holding a red metallic mini-disc recorder. She wanted to record herself remembering her dreams. We knew we were already inside one of those dark mortality dreams, with that “I’m gonna be dead someday” feeling. Sandra and I were both scared, our faces and necks getting hot, like fever. Sandra held the recorder near her mouth, then decided that I should go first. I put my hand on top of hers and brought the recorder close to my own mouth. I wanted to kiss the back of her hand but was distracted by the glossy green stones in every ring on every finger of her hand, each stone reflecting the light that was coming from the end of a telescope she had stationed by the window.

“In the year 2525″, I said, leaning in against her arm, “500 citizens got quite good at switching eyeballs with each other. A Minus 425 nearsight for a Plus 1200 farsight, in diopters, got to be no big deal for them, it was the resulting emotional perception exchange that was the real gamble”.

“Yeah”, Sandra imagined, “my 20-20 for Angelina Jolie’s Minus 175, hardly a change in vision really, except for night driving, I could get by squinting when I had to…but Angelina’s emotional rub…I…no, too packed tight like a snowball in spring…”. Then Sandra clicked off the recorder and wrapped her hands around mine, “Tell me your numbers, darling”. Before I could say just how I thought I saw, footsteps sounded up from the stairwell that led down to the stage where someone had just finished a performance, we could hear the applause spilling over. Sandra and I turned together toward the doorway and waited. We were awestruck, when the footsteps stopped, to see Hillary Clinton there, grinning at us, looking smart in a long red gown that exposed much of her beautiful breasts. In her right hand she was loosely holding a pair of binoculars.

CLICK HERE for Sandra Bernhard info